I feel sad. I dont reaaly know why. I want to graduate , i want to move out i want to be independent. I want to be liked. Today i noticed that i can be a huge asshole. I get so scared that everyone hates me and then i becaome someone that deserves to be hated. Judgemental and insecure. Thats what i feel i am becoming. Well the insecurity is constant. But i was never this judgemental and i have a hard time opening up to new people. I want to make new friends i really forgot how. I guess its harder as you get older. I want so many things. I want to be happy to feel whole for the first time in my life.. i want to get better so i can help others. Its just not very likely that i will be a good therapist is i cant fix myself. I need to free my mind to destress to feel loved. I need to open up to the love that is around and believe in it. i need to tap in to my creativity and not shy away from the vulnerability that comes with letting the world see your soul. I want to be postive and loving, empathetic and kind, lighthearted and silly passionate and intelligent, articulate and comforting.

I just read some of my past entries. It makes me so angry to read some of the things i honestly thought i felt. It makes me doubt my ability to really trust my feelings/ ugh i dont want to do this . I am so confused with life. every second cliche questions cramp up my brain and im sick of thinking about things and never getting an answer.. What is it i should be doing!? really I think if i were done with school things would be easier.. but i guess thats part of sccepting responsibility fopr my actions. I did this to myself.. I putzed around and made myself sick and now im behind. Its hard not to be impatient. sometimes i find myself planning ahead so much i never stop and enjoy the here and now. the moment something ive planned or waited for happens i pick something else to look forward to. In a way maybe its not so bad being constantly excited about things but it sets you up for disappointment definitely. My babay hes so sweet and he really does love me. I really need to be ok with that/ why is it so easy to pretend to love someone i dont, but so hard to really love someone i do...
I love you. i love you/
<3 sara

I cant seem to cmmprehend the way he made me feel this past weekend. i have neevr felt so safe so loved so comfortable so relaxed so content so happy.. I just didnt think this was ever possible .after everything eve been through i just cant comprehend how we got here. and i am so terriffied of ruining it. i dont want to call him to soon and scare him i dont know if he felt the same way this weekend i think he did. how could he not have . the connection was so obvious. but i know if i was scared of it.. he definitely is. well i guess i cant assume that but based on past behaviors i kind of am. because at this point it is so easy for me to want to call him and speak with him and start my whole damned scare him off clingy needy bullshit again. because i have never felt so goddamed wonderful and i am scared hes going to leave. and the first thing that those thoughts make me want to do is call him and see him more which... will certainly freak him out. so what do i do. stop overanalyzing everything??!! that would be nice./but really not call him wait for him to call me..?? but i get scared he wont call me or want to see me. i am so ridiculous sometimes. i refuse to let myself ruin an amazing weekend and an amazing relationship.

i never thought it would happen... i don kjniow if that true. actually maybe i knew it all along. i love hinm.and i knew he was the person i should be with. and we are back togetehr and i couldnt be happier . its a whole new type of relationship. its so much healthier than anything ive ever had. and i love every second i spend with him now. but i also enjoy my time alone which ive nevr been able to do before. and even after everything i still trust him with all my heart, <3<3<3 oits crazy ..

god.dammit i fucking hate you i hate you i hate. uyouuuuhiowfechilbyr3. all i want to do is scream at you and yell and ask you why you are doibng this. why would you write me something like that so unbelievable so beautiful so obviously rekking of love and then stop talking to me i hate you i hate you . you are a pussy . you are so scared and its pathetic grow up. i hate you for hurting me. ive been abused before and it hurt. but ive never felt my heart break like this. i cant stop crying all day all the time its been so long since we broke up and i still want you . and only you. and i hate you for that. and i know i dont hjate you at all. and i hate you more for that because i wish i did. i want this to end i want to stop feeling this way. i cant do this. i want you out of my head. stop doing this. just delete me from your fucking myspace because i cant do it to you. i cant. i want to . i want to not see your picture and i dont know what to do.my father has the same problems you have and its sad. that hes 50 and he is alone and he thinks" relationshps are a job they dont add anything to his life. " ok. fine are you going to be like that even if you are 50 . should i give up. are all men like that .?? i dont care if all men are. i want you and it m,akes me sick. im pathetic. so fucking pathetic. dammit. just stop this. stop every part of it. or give me all of you i cant anymore.

over and over and over and over
redundancy slips through ears my brain regurgitates words deafening
god damn my mind demands attention no no no no no.
stop. stop stop.
did this sever reality yet. not yet. silver large grand demons spew weariness i wish i was worn out.this time
its tears that are timid. drink this please. set this brain on fire with liquid obliteration
tiny drops slip piss this serenity yields damnation.
help me help help help me.ill reiterate it till it trembles.

everything and more.

Date:	2006-12-18 14:22
Subject:	it will always be you
Security:	Public
Mood:	exhausted

crooked grin slightly cocky but completely sweet
sitting on this cracked leather couch feels familiar
and different
i wonder... do you still love sunday night eggrolls ?
is greasiness the same without me next to you
strength in ur arms and in ur stride nothing
can get in your way . knock chairs to the floor accidentally
didnt mean it ...though,i want to know
when you laugh
stealing all the pillows isnt as fun without me. i hope
unless you stole them from the used condom wrapper regurgitated from beneath your bed!
sorry..
still laying next to you smiling was real and sex was startling
breaking beds is tradition with you. its easy.
passion mingles slightly scenting the air with giggles and teases :blushing profusely
loving more with each arm you wrapped around me. dammit. dearest you came closer to my heart
than anyone ever has. and mr megaphone i want you to know(secretly)
it will always be you.

Well i guess the entry i wrote before this means shit. I did it i ruined it i loved him so much i was so happy so happy happier than ive evr been and it scared the shit out of me so fucking cliche so typical but its the truth and i decided to try to be sad and fucked up because it was more comfortable and i fucked up and i miss him so much and i can not eat i want to i really do this is why he left me and im just reinfircing his reasoning why cant i do this. Ive eaten like 400 calories a day for the past 3 days and thats pushing it thats forcing myself to try. and i am so angry and i have never hurt this badly because i never really loved anyone the way i love him. And when he left yesterday morning he kissed me and said i still love you but i pushed him to hard
and he was scared and i dont blame him . and i miss his armpits and his sideways small his laugh his hands his cuddles his strength i hate this i cant stop crying and i want to go out but all i do is think of him when i go out. help me i need help im so lost and it hurts more than anything . Im holding onto this hope that if i get better hell cal me and want to be with me again but im not trying to get better or i feel stuck cuz i want to eat but its scares me.Im so afraid i miss him and i need help

Ok Whyy am I driving myself crazy?I trust him I trust him I really do. I want to believe i trust him I am scared thats all I trust him but I am so terrified of losing what I have and that fear is the very thing that will inevitably cause the end of this relationship... dammmit.I need to focus on bettering myself including understanding how awesome I am and letting that empower me. I am good enough, I am talented I have a good heart I am fun I am worthy of love . I am worthy of his love. I respect him and I need to respect myself. No fear Without risks youll never be free to experience all the amazing things in the world. you will forever limit yourslef based on the desire to remain in a comfortable state never extending up to the unkown because you fear it. NO I will Not let this happen. I am stopping this cycle once and for all!!! I will not allow my insecurities to ruin me.

Life has been a tornado out of control making a mess yet awesome at the same time,, i broke up with mike i got to the point whereall the drama was just completely affecting my health... it still is my panic attacks are always here. the thing im most pissed about is that i purged today i dont know why i was giving someone else advice and then i decided to act like a complete moron.,.. mike toldme his granfather died today i feel really bad but im so angry at him... at the same time i miss him still ... but i think its the guilt that feel about so many things and the frustration of always trying to make everyone around mee happy its just .. nonne could possibly please everyone ..yet i still try...oh man what a mess yet its still better than where i was .. i can feel myself wanting so bad to slip away to fall but i know how much i could do if i only got my shit together i constantly sabotage myself and i cant do it anymore. i made the decision to live and nowi need to implement that..i do not need to feel guilty everyone is responsible for there own actions.. including me. sometimes and i know ive said this before i realy miss being in the hospital . i felt so safe i had worlds of support and constant validation of my feelings.. and now a year later im still trying to adjust to life without my eating disorder and stometimes i feel so afraid i can not deal.i had the mistakes i have made the past month ok the past few years .. i need to take control of myself my body my thoughts . live in the moment instead of allowing myself to feel so out of control.

I am so afraid. So afraid of losing him.I sometimes get so many mixed signals I dont understand if they are form me or him or whose at fault or if it really matters whose fault it is anyway. I know i love him and I know after a year and 3 months things sometimes seem to be the same. maybe im bored with myself I know im frustrated with how my life is going. I am lazy I am dissapointed because i know i am capable of so much more than this. I could be doing so much more by now and I let so many things get in my. every addiction every excuse I let get in my way. why? I cant do this anymore. Ive said this so many times it almost seems ridiculous. I feel its different this time. I cant be so clingy. Why do i rely on people to define who i am.? I feel like everything i am doing is pushing him away.. and i dont know what to do. I do.. but im scared.

ok... so i am restarting my south beach diet i fell off it after only 2 days im such a bitch. but everyday is a new day and i ddint stary too far yestaerday so im back i need to think of food as fuel not as taste its only 2 weeks anyway. so i need to stop being a fat pig. ok thats it i am going to see how long i can do this. im in im going for it.. lets go!!! woo. ok breakfast_ willl be, eggwhites whith a little cheese springkled on top- 150 cals

snack later..... cheese stick or some veggies and dip _50 -80 cals

lunch- maybe some salad and protein- 150-200

dinner same-150

desert if i am good ricotta creme.-200.. maybe i wont eat lunch and ill have a snack instead well see..
oh yea baybeeeee. on another topic... i dont know if i should call back MAC or not?>> i am confused i want that job. i neeed a job badly.. im not too upset being that its spring break but id like to tsart ,making money again.....
i dont know whats wrong weith meee. i want to see mike all the time.. eevn when i want to be alone i want to see him and its weird... its like i never want him to leave and im scared when he does... what the helll. ok yea soooo. anywya.im going to apply online at nordstroms.
<3<3 meeeee

Date:	2006-03-08 10:24
Subject:	jobbbbbs
Security:	Public
Mood:	cheerful

ok,so i havent really written in here for awhile...i got my permit baby. i am actually pretty proud of myself, im still scared but i feel stronger more liberated . i mean im 21 and i was relying on other people way too much. mikey is trying to teach me how to drive stick.. itsactually not too bad once u understand the concept . i took my midterm for sociology yesterday and i think i did weellll. considering i didnt have the book. dammit if i had had the book i would have gotten an A plus i know it.but i think i still did well.i am looking for jobs today . i need to make up a reseme that makes me sound good. i also need to learn how tomake a professional reseme... im kind of nervous i want these 2 jobs whichever one... but i want one.. but i guesss sometimes i dont bgelieve in myself enough... i dont know anyway. im going to believe today sometimes i think selling urself even if u dont really have talent .. people respect that. but i do have talent so i should be good.. i gg poop brbok ahhh i lost like 4 pounds.. awesome.
yea about my weight.....i dont care anymore. thats it goddammmit. ok so i just had a bowl of cereal no more carbs from now onnn. i am so serious i have the control i will not be fat and nasty. i wont i wont.... i will lose this weight i will .
ist gw is....105 <3 <3
i will drink lots of green tea lots of water. no carbs.... fruits veggies... only berries as fruits the others have to many carbs... but yea.. so thats it that bowl of cereal was my last hurrah..... im done.. <3 105 here i come...

Date:	2005-12-12 11:15
Subject:	crazy
Security:	Public
Mood:	distressed

i cant believe evry that has happened the past few days .. ive never felt so miserable. i love him i am so confused i want everything to be better. i want to hold him and kiss him and talk and laugh and relax togetether. i miss him i know it sounds stupid but i do. i miss what we had and i want it back. i dont want this anger or frustration i cant have it in a relationship. i love him and figting with him is the worst thing in the world.
<3 sara

Date:	2005-11-28 17:45
Subject:	for mike <3
Security:	Public
Mood:	loved

that smile,stretched lips
seem to slightly touch your ears
every sound seems sweet,
laying with you
I remember, laughing
looking up, your eyes emit this
energy, everytime we sleep your
legs wrap me tightly
tangled, the warmth you create
signals safety in my mind
and i've never felt
this love before

Date:	2005-11-28 17:37
Subject:	thanksgiving snow
Security:	Public
Mood:	creative

standing here,
cigarette smoke weaves through
this snow, falling, little individual
flakes touch my face
breathing in this beauty,
surrounds me
soft spoken serenity eases constant thought
melted drops, roll off my shoulder
as I face up
toward the sky, seeing it truly
for the first time

i dont understand how people can steal fomr others and not feel bad. al my money form the makeup event was stolen... I would never ever do anything like that to somone... It makes me wonder who asre my true friends.. im second guessing everyone.. mike is being ridiculous... I cant be in a relationship with him unless he learns how to contriol his anger.... he said he didt care anymore is that true.. i dont know... what does he want from meee. Yea i used to act jeaslous and i was too clingy but i tried to stop that i am trying... and i feel like hes not putting in the effort.. it shouldnt be this hard.. i cant do it anymore.. things need to change..ive never loved someone so much in my life.. but i cant let myself be hurt anymore.. we need to work things out or stop trying...god i love him....and im pissed because i wnat to lose 10 pounds and for some reason or another i cant lose weight.... i need to eat 800 c als a day first and then gto form there.
<3sara

i have my first appt outside of bloomies!!! im gtting paid 250 to do makeup for a bat mitzvah!!!i a so excited. !!!i need a plan i am going t make business cards woo

Date:	2005-10-16 18:29
Subject:	makeup
Security:	Public
Mood:	horny

just got back form work... people are so rude sometimes they think your getting paid to kiss theyre ass and smile.. i couldnt do that today. i had to walk away.. this lady was such a bitch trying toaccuse us of being racist at prescriptives because some girl that doesnt eevn work at our counter said she didnt know how to custoim blend an african american foundation... and taneil is black and shes yelling at her.. and she wont even look at me when i try to help her like as if im the person that said that.... i couldnt dea.. and then taneil goes in the back after putting concealer on her and this woman starts askjing if theres a fucking doctor in the mall!! cuz her eye is watering she has makeup in it supposedly and needs a nurse or a doctor... im like no...
ahh whatever...
i think i need to give mikey more space.. i dont know whats going o in my heAD anymore i want to be in the hospital sometimes does that make sense maybe i just crave being sick again... it was comforting in a way. and ive been acting so clingy maybe because im scared and lost and i want that comfort.. i need my own apartment...
i will lose 10 pounds atleast...
i ate about 650 calories today! not terrible.
<3